Scapegoat vs. Golden Child – a difference in entitlement
If I had to come up with one word that sums up the difference between a child designated as the scapegoat versus the child designated as the golden child it could only be entitlement.
My brother was brought up with the belief he was entitled to everything; not just everything, the best of everything.
While I am aware it can be carried too far, this may be the most important gift a parent can give a child and on the other hand the most critical gift a parent can deny.
On the entitlement spectrum my sibling and I were polar opposites. He was taught he was entitled to be a brilliant student, an athletic superstar, should have only the best clothes, date the most popular girls, go to the most prestigious college. My mom even taught him he was entitled to treat his little sister like crap. Why not? That’s what he watched her doing.
He breathed in his destiny for success from the time he was born, so it’s no surprise he ended up being successful once he started his career. It just took him a very long time to start that career. Eighteen years of false starts and many dropped courses before he graduated with a degree. There has to be a reason for that and I would love to know the psychology behind it, but doubt I will ever be privy to it.
Four and a half years after my brother’s birth I came along. For the first five years I was blissfully unaware of an entitlement issue, but moreover, I don’t think there was the dramatic difference that would develop later. My mother wasn’t wild about my questioning, stubborn side, but I don’t think I was denied “stuff” – I had cute clothes, the latest dolls, etc.
When my grandmother (my mom’s mom) died everything changed and all of a sudden I wasn’t entitled to anything. The first thing I noticed as a small child was no longer being entitled to nurturing as my mother turned even more frigid than before whenever I went to her seeking comfort. I was gradually shifted from being a child with a reasonable amount of chores to the housekeeper who was in charge of all cleaning, laundry, ironing, and most of the cooking (my dad made breakfast). Then there was a steady change in wardrobe until all I had were cheap, dowdy, out-of-style clothes and shoes. I was regularly told I was a mediocre student. Despite being a tomboy, I was treated like I was incompetent at sports.
At first I was left terribly confused with the question “What the heck is happening?” but soon the question went away as any memory of being treated differently disappeared. My lot in life was to be regarded as the unintelligent, unattractive, unsuccessful servant. After years of this treatment I accepted it as truth, just as I accepted that my golden child older brother was perfect in all ways. Neither were reality.
After spending a lifetime convincing myself that I am entitled to nice things, to success, to happiness, to feeling good about myself, I know how devastating the effect of being raised to believe you deserve nothing can be. I constantly need to monitor myself to avoid slipping back into the belief that I am not entitled because it sneaks into my head and hides in the background and it takes me a while to realize it’s returned.
It may be the singularly worst thing the narcissistic parent does in their parenting; select some children as golden children, some children as scapegoats, and then either lavish or withhold entitlement. I know it haunts the scapegoat for the rest of her life and I suspect it has ways of biting the golden child as well.
As with many things in life, entitlement needs to be handled with moderation. Too little can make a child become a doormat. Too much can make a child become an arrogant jackass.
