Doing bad things in the name of love

Isn’t that an oxymoron?

One definition of love is “unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another” so how can that be twisted into doing terrible things because  your beloved wants it. The concept completely eludes me despite the fact I have suffered on the wrong end of that situation with two members of my immediate family.

My dad went along with anything my narcissistic mother wanted even when it flew in the face of his deep love for me. Why? How do you get so brain-dead in love that you are willing to do bad things to your own much-loved child simply because your wife wants it? Don’t get me wrong — I adore my dad. I just don’t get how an intelligent, principled man could be that stupid.

My sister-in-law was another person who wanted to destroy the relationships her husband had with other people. My brother obediently complied when it came to me and then my dad, but stopped her when she went after our mother. That was one relationship he wasn’t willing to give up,  where I guess my dad and I were expendable.

Aren’t “love” and “good” supposed to be synonymous?

I thought love was supposed to bring out the best in you, help you be the best that you can be. I thought deep and abiding love was supposed to overflow the relationship that gives it birth and flood into all areas of your life. What kind of “love” asks a spouse to do injurious things to other loved ones? What kind of love convinces the person asked that these are acceptable things to do?

I get why my mother wanted my dad to do bad things. She was an out of control narcissist. But why did he go along? I don’t know what my sister-in-law’s problem was, but why would my brother emotionally stab two family members in the back at her behest?

I know this isn’t analogous, but I’ve had two men I loved try to treat someone else I loved badly, and both promptly found themselves booted out the door the moment they crossed that line. I can’t even conceive of them trying to get me to do the dirty work, because it never would have happened. I work very hard at not doing terrible things to people for my own benefit. Why the heck would I do it for someone else’s?

When the person you are in love with expects you to lie, cheat, steal, murder, or abuse another person isn’t it time to reevaluate the relationship and consider it might not be a healthy place to be? I understand bad people asking others to do terrible things, but short of holding a gun to your head, how do they get you to do their bidding? Isn’t that the time to stand up for your own values and say “No, I won’t do that.”

Come on, we’re all big boys and girls now. Aren’t we too old to use the excuse “He/she made me do it”?