Daughter of narcissistic mother (DoNM)
I want to try to take a shot of explaining what it’s like to be a daughter raised by a narcissistic mother since I’ve found it isn’t easily understood by the vast majority of people who were raised in far less dysfunctional households than I was.
Long before I came along my mother had decided my older brother was her heir apparent and would be the “golden child” of the family. I suspect she always planned for the next born to be the “scapegoat” because she treated her own sister like a scapegoat, but was somewhat held in check for the first few years of my life.
I think the problem had been brewing in my mother and the monster was set free when her own mother
died and was no longer there to see what she did. While she had never been a big fan of my personality, when I was six years old all hell broke loose as my mother declared open war on me. My life changed for the worse and stayed that way until I could climb out from under her oppressive rule. Her disdain for my personality lasted until her death.
I can’t describe how odd it was to be a very young child and know deep down in your heart that something was desperately wrong with my mother. While she appeared to be a normal mom when out in public, it was a whole different story at home where and vestige of nurturing and caring disappeared and were replaced by attacks on my worth and a shift to servitude.
But perhaps the most upsetting thing about living with a narcissistic mother is that while she didn’t have love for me, she did have love for the other members of my family. Try struggling with that reality as a child. The only thing I could come up with was that I wasn’t good enough to be loved. Years of years of living with that treatment made believe the lie. A lie I know to be untrue on an intellectual level, but still struggle with on an emotional one.
My mother was successful at one point and my spirit completely died. It took a lot of work and a lot of years to bring it back to life. I learned to fend off her attacks so they didn’t kill me again, but was never able to completely stop them. She never gave up on the hope of regaining her control over me and would blind side me with an attack when I least expected it.
Hence the name Life After Death Diaries. I know how it feels to be dead and come back to life.
December 29, 2017 @ 9:40 pm
I have been my narcissistic mother’s caregiver for ten years. I have maxed out my credit cards trying to buy acceptance. She is 82 now,very ill. Meaner than ever, I guess narcissists don’t mellow with age. My biggest fear is that I will not be able to pretend grief at her funeral. Only 2 other people know this side of her. I find myself looking forward to days without insults…and feeling guilty for it.
December 30, 2017 @ 9:34 pm
Lucy — I’m so glad you posted a comment. My mother was 82 when she died and as her health declined her ability to keep the mask up with other people slipped away and I got to watch as she treated others the way she had always treated me. Welcome to my world. Narcissists DON’T mellow with age. I encourage you to take care of yourself, to not sacrifice yourself for someone who is incapable of gratitude and appreciation. You have done enough — and nothing for here will ever be enough. When she does die you will have a wash of emotions due to the life you have lived as the daughter of a narcissist. You will grieve the life you lost in service to her. All I can tell you is that when my mother died it was like this huge cloud finally lifted off my life. I empathize with your guilt — I am so glad she’s gone, but know this isn’t how a child should feel about a parent. Still glad she’s gone. Please stay in touch if you thinking talking will be of any help to you.